


Twelve Toes

by Omina Murasaki (Ellisama)



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Implied/Referenced Incest, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 06:51:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8522854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellisama/pseuds/Omina%20Murasaki
Summary: Naruto knew that growing up as an orphan left him a lacking grasp on the concept of a family, but he was pretty sure that cousins aren't supposed to marry. Sakura agrees. Sasuke doesn't. A little historical insight into the Naruto-verse. Team 7 Oneshot.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Warning; non-beta'd, repost of an old fic.

It was a lovely night at the local Ramen stand, the sky was lit up by the stars just the way the people's days were lit up with the news of the latest engagement. Yes, the city of Konohagakure was preparing to celebrate the wedding that would probably be the event of the decade, and the people couldn't be more excited about it.

"This just got to be some kind of village-wide prank that the Hyuuga are pulling, I just know it."

Well, almost everybody at least.

"Seriously Naruto, that is your theory; the Hyuuga's pulling a prank? Laws of Nature prevent that from happening." Sakura commented dryly, gulping down another cup of sake. It was Friday night, party night in Konoha and official ramen day for the members of team 7. Every Friday evening after 9, the three heroes of the great fourth shinobi war could be found at this particular spot, drinking they ass off and having fun.

Though not tonight. Well, Sakura thought while she asked for a refill, the fun part at least. The Sake part was going fine so far, which was good because she needed it to put up with Naruto's whining.

"But, I mean; they are _COUSINS_ , Sakura-chan, as in, _directly related_. Not forgetting that Hinata only turned 17 a few weeks ago." Naruto stressed, one more time, as if using his hands to rudely empathize his point would convince her. "And I mean, they tried to kill each other only a few years ago, that's bound to end up in domestic abuse! And- and- Neji looks like her freaking dad, you know! I mean, that would be like, marrying your own father! It has to be a joke Sakura, this just can't be serious!"

"First off all, Hinata is a ninja and could kick Neji's butt into next week the second he does something-" Sakura started but Naruto interrupted her. "She's way too nice too do that! And Neji probably thinks it's desti-"

This time Naruto was forced to stop his preach in order to avoid one of Sakura's Famous Fists™. "ANYWAY." She bellowed. "Hinata can take care of herself, she's hardly a child anymore after the war, none of us are. And yes, Neji looks like her father. Yes, it would creep me out too. But Hinata is our friend, and no matter how creepy their impending marriages are, we need to support our friends no matter what." She finished, taking a bite of her dumplings. "Besides, the kimono's are cute."

Naruto muttered something under his breath and took a good bite of his own ramen, for comfort or for nourishment, and applied another strategy to state his point. "You agree with me, right, Sasuke?"

Now, Sasuke had developed quite a foul mouth over the years, but he had been uncharacteristically quiet this evening. "It's just how this traditional shit works, Naruto. Hinata probably has no say in this." He commented, before taking a nice bite of his own food.

However, it did not deter Naruto, or Sakura, who was secretly – okay, not-so-secretly – quite a bit curious about Sasuke's insight as well. "Okay, you lost me. I thought the traditional wedding formula was girl meets guy, falls in love, get's hitched, get's knocked up, finite. Right?

Sasuke sighed. "for commoners, probably." He said, as if that explained everything. "Not always in that particular order though." He muttered as an afterthought.

Naruto knew that growing up as an orphan left him a lacking grasp on the concept of a family, but he was pretty sure that cousins aren't supposed to marry. So all that came out was a very intelligent "huh?" With which Sakura was pretty much agreeing. "Commoners, do you mean civilians?" She was a civilian by birth after all, and she was used to ninja looking down on her because of that.

Sasuke looked pretty much annoyed by then. "Civilians, clan-less ninja, lower clans… everybody not belonging to one of the noble clans." He said, twirling a noodle between his chopsticks. "The Hyuuga is an ancient noble clan. As the heiress, Hinata probably knew from a young age that her marriage would not be one out of love, but one out of duty." He took a bite and savored it, damn these noodles! "Such is the duty of an heir."

Before Sakura could express her stand on woman rights, Naruto had another bombshell to drop. "But, if the Hyuuga is a noble clan, isn't the Uchiha one too?"

"Of course, we are no less then those pretty eyed fools." Sasuke sneered, as if the thought of being less then a Hyuuga was the worst insult in the world.

"So," Sakura drawled, numb with shock. "Does the Uchiha clan have such traditions as well…?" She said, implying a lot more than she wanted.

"For your information, my parents were cousins." Sasuke said nonchalantly while he took another bite.

In the mean time, Sakura and Naruto were freaking out, Sake bottles breaking, and food being forgotten as their owners got off their chairs in a mutual "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Sasuke ignored their coping process in a way that only he could pull off; one that would promise a painful death.

Naruto was the first to recover. "I always knew you and your brother were fucked up, but now I know why, I 'm so sorry for calling you a bastard all the time!"

"Idiot!" Sasuke bellowed! "Not my family's conception but their fucking demise fucked us up, and still the two off us together are more sane than you!"

Sakura secretly doubted that but was too shocked to consider voicing that right now. "God, I'm so glad I got over my crush on you! That's one family you do not want to marry into!" She said, not caring for a moment that it was downright cruel.

"For your information, you wouldn't have been accepted into the clan anyway." But Sasuke could give as good as he got. "And who gives a fuck about my parents family relationship, they are dead anyway! There's not much of a clan to marry into!" And he was so harsh, too!

"Of course it matters! It explains everything!"Naruto exclaimed, breaking his now empty cup of sake in the process. "Your asocial tendencies are probably some freako birth defect!"

That was the final straw for Sasuke's self control. "You fucking idiot!" He yelled and then proceeded to throw shards at his blond-haired teammate, accompanied with a lot of curses. Though it lacked finesse, it was a rather frightening sight to behold.

Some bottles of sake later, when Sasuke had finally calmed down somewhat and Sakura and Naruto came out of their 'WTF?' moment, they all sat down and talked it over again.

"It is true, in a way, what Naruto says, Sasuke." Sakura carefully said, and Sasuke eyed her not all too kindly. "Inbreeding leads to a higher probability of congenital birth defects. Why would a shinobi clan risk it?"

Sasuke opened his mouth to answer, then proceeded to sigh and drown a cup of sake. It was a good thing all three of them had build quite the resistance, otherwise they would probably be in the hospital by now. "Simple. Doujutsu. To be certain that every child baring the clan's name would be certain to inherit it."

"Oh" Naruto said dumbly. "Sucks to be you."

Ignoring his comment, Sakura asked; "But would that be counterproductive on the long-run? I mean, because close relatives share a large fraction of their genes, the probability that any such rare deleterious genes present in the common ancestor will be inherited from both related parents is increased dramatically. The doujutsu could be harmed on the long term."

"The Sharingan was a birth defect." Sasuke simply droned. "In a way, Hinata is my distant cousin."

"Oh." Was all Sakura could say, and she dumbly drowned a cup herself. Tomorrow was going to be hell, but right now she needed the sake to cope. "So, hypothetically, if your clan would be still around, you would be married off to some cousin by now?"

"Her name was Yara, I think. We were introduced some time before the massacre." Sasuke said. "Shisui's younger sister if I remember correctly. Two years older then me."

"Oh."

"It could have been worse." Sasuke added. "If I'd been a girl, they would probably have married me off to Itachi. To preserve the line, or something." He ended bitterly.

"Ew, just ew." Naruto said, seemingly waking up from his stupor in utter disgust. "I never thought I'd see the day I'd say this, but sometimes I'm glad Itachi went psycho on those pervs."

"It's just a matter of perspective." Sasuke commented matter-of-factly. "I grew up with the knowledge that marriage out of romantic love was out of the question. I was the 'spare', remember, the second child of the clan head. It's not weird to me."

"… That's fucked up man." Naruto said in a way that betrayed just how many cups of sake he had drowned by now. "I mean, imagine your children having an extra arm or-… God, we'd better support Hinata and Neji, because their children are going to be sooo fucked up."

"You should be glad- no scratch that – you ought to be fucking jumping with joy that they're having this marriage. The two halves of the clan are finally mending. Wasn't that like, one of your many corny 'promises of a lifetime'?" Sasuke retorted childishly.

"Never like this!" Naruto stammered out desperately! "God, you don't think they went threw with this because of me, right?" He stressed out.

Sakura, more drunk then sober by now, simply hit him (relatively) softly and said; "Oh come on Naruto, no matter how many world leaders you befriend, the world won't turn around you! Get a fucking life, this universe was not created because of you!"(1) She said, probably intended as comfort. "Besides, their children are going to be fine; I mean, nothing's wrong with Sasuke either, right?" She added almost hopefully, and then both she and Naruto continued to stare him down until Sasuke creaked out almost meekly;

"Itachi has twelve toes, though."

**Author's Note:**

> (1) Oh sweet, sweet irony.
> 
> OLD NOTE:
> 
> And that concludes my musings on incest in the Narutoverse. As you see, since their backgrounds are radically different, so are their views. In feudal japan, incest happened among the higher clans, so that is what basically inspired this fic.
> 
> Yes, my Sakura is more kick ass, my Sasuke has a foul mouth and is the product of continued incest and my Naruto is not nearly as stupid as he is portrayed in the minific. Blame the alcohol, or the ramen (or both). This was originally supposed to be a part of my other story, In the shadows, but since Hinata isn't going to end up with Neji in that fic, I decided to post it this way.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. As for the wedding, it was nice traditional affair with one hell of an after party in which Naruto tried to make Neji promise to stay celibate for the rest of his life. Needless to say, things went downhill from there-on.


End file.
